As children mature, it becomes even more important for adults to help them get in touch with their feelings and think through good answers in all types of situations. Adults often TELL youth what we think or want. And while this is important (sharing values, modeling), we must keep in mind that it is equally important for adults to encourage youth to reflect on what THEY think and want.

When adults listen carefully and reflect back what they hear, they help children understand and express themselves. Listening and asking good questions can help children express and understand their feelings. They may be sad, glad, or confused—and sometimes what they need to know most is that how they feel is okay. Paraphrasing what has been said can be extremely helpful to a child trying to express and understand his or her feelings. It can be tricky, so pay close attention not to blame, agree, or disagree.

What can you do?

Use body language to create a comfortable atmosphere.

• Get on the child's level so you aren't physically looking down on him or her.
• Make eye contact with an expression of concern, not conflict.
• Adopt an open posture. Crossed arms and legs can say "I'm not interested" or send other unintended messages to the child.
• Remove physical barriers, such as a desk, that might signal authority or power.

Use verbal cues and clues.

• Ask non-threatening, open-ended questions.
• Make audible sounds of connection like "I see" or "uh huh," or nod quietly.
• Use silence to provide time for reflection and discovery by the child.

Listen attentively.

• Do not interrupt.
• Do not offer advice.
• Empathize, but don't commiserate or "awful-ize."
• Always put your own agenda on the back burner.

Practice your "reflective listening" skills.

• As you listen, repeat back what you hear and what your understanding is of the child's experience.
• Help them understand what they are thinking.
• Help them clarify their expressions.