In offering practical suggestions for caring adults, we'll focus on the different roles that people play in violent behaviors and how you as a parent or caring adult can help victims of violence. A few key things to remember in all situations are listed below.

Remember, Safety First!-Whenever people are engaged in violent behaviors, it is important to consider the safety of everyone involved. Get help if necessary.

Set expectations-Let students and adults know that aggressiveness and victimization are not appropriate behaviors and be consistent in defusing those activities when you are around. Also set the expectation that everyone should be included and model that when leading or coordinating activities. By modeling expectations and behaviors, caring adults can influence student behaviors.

Different Roles in Violent Behaviors

Perpetrator/Aggressor

This is the person who is initiating the violence and trying to exert power over another person.

How You Can Help:
Recognize unmet needs—Violence is actually a response to underlying emotions, and usually surfaces when people feel afraid, ashamed, frustrated, hurt, or tired. By recognizing underlying feelings it is often possible to defuse the anger, to learn from that experience, and to prevent future blowups.

Redirect behavior for positive outcomes—Most people like attention. Some people use positive behavior to get attention and others who feel they can't do that use negative behavior. As adults, we must learn to regularly reward good behaviors by "catching" children doing good things. Unfortunately, this is a skill set that needs to be learned, because we are more prone to "ignore" the positive children and "take care of" children using negative behaviors. Positive Behavioral Interventions and Supports (PBIS) is one way to develop these skills. Click here to learn how the U.S. Department of Education is using PBIS or click here to learn about what Hawai'i's Department of Education is doing related to PBIS.

Victim

This person is on the receiving end of violent behaviors; he or she is usually physically smaller, less skilled socially, and has fewer friends.

How You Can Help:
Validate their experience/emotions—Make it safe for the child to talk about his or her experience. Consider the child's anxieties in discussing the incident because it "forces" him or her to deal with difficult feelings like being afraid, weak, and embarrassed. Let the child know that these feelings are normal in those situations and there is nothing to be ashamed of. If possible, share some of your own experiences as a child and how you dealt with those feelings or how you deal with those kinds of feelings today.

Clarify options for responding—Help the child brainstorm different options for responding to violent situations. Some suggestions include: tell a trusted adult about the situation, use humor to deflate the situation, and walk away from verbally abusive people.

Prevent Future Situations:
Build social skills and relationships with other students and caring adults—Relationships are very helpful in avoiding victim situations and getting involved with activities at school can help build relationships.

Stand up for themselves and walk away—Teach children about proper boundaries and how to assertively stand up and walk away from aggressive children in dangerous situations.

Bystander

This term refers to all of the people who are around when a violent situation occurs and it assumes that these people passively stand-by and watch the situation unfold. However, because these people greatly outnumber the perpetrators and the victims, there is a tremendous potential for people in this role to change the outcome of the situation.

How You Can Help:
If You Are Present During a Situation:
Acknowledge and defuse—If you know the children's names, calling them out in a loud voice can help defuse the situation. If there are others encouraging the incident, use your best loud authoritative voice to disperse them.

If a Situation Is Reported to You:
Listen to gather information—Whether your child is the perpetrator or the victim, when he or she comes to you with the situation you must overcome the common response of blaming or accusing. Instead, listen to what the child has to say and ask questions to gather more information about the event. This helps you create a clear picture about what happened so you can respond appropriately.

Share information with appropriate adults to inform and prevent future incidents—When talking with responsible adults like school staff, remain calm and clearly share the facts you gathered. Although accusing people and expressing frustration are common responses, they are usually not helpful and can often be counter-productive.

Speak the right language—Every organization has a "language" that it speaks and understanding and using this language will be very helpful in getting results. As an example, the best language for communicating with people in Hawai'i's Department of Education on this issue can be found in Chapter 19 of the Department's Administrative Rules. This document gives the names for different behaviors, outlines who has what authority, and offers timelines for responses.