Have you ever asked a child to do something and had him or her react hostilely?

Did YOU then react with hostility or even avoid the conflict by withdrawing from the situation?

Most of the time, the result of an interaction like this is that your initial request is not met. When this pattern of interaction continues, it's called a "coercive cycle."

Let's see what this looks like...

1. Adult makes request, for example, "Please take out the garbage."


2. Child reacts with hostility, for example, "Why always me?!"


3. You react with hostility, for example, "You know why always you—'cause I told you to! How come I gotta tell you every time?! You should just do it!"
   
   Or, you react by withdrawing, for example, "Ohhhh! This kid!" and walk away and take the garbage out yourself.

What this cycle often leads to is that the child doesn't do whatever you asked him or her to do! When we begin to recognize this cycle—and see it in our everyday communications with our children—we should begin to avoid the cycle. By reacting in a non-hostile way and communicating using "I" messages, you can convey to your child the value of mutual respect and hopefully avoid the coercive cycle altogether.

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